With great difficulity…

I’m finding it much more difficult to discuss things these days.  Finding the correct sequence of words to make a coherent thought that can be understood by those around me is troubling at best, and impossible in most cases.  Those that know me may find this hard to believe as I’m told its hard to get me to actually shut up.  The reality is that the words I say are strained and accompanied by unrelated phrases that try to remove meaning from the original intent.  A loss of substance… likely on purpose by a brain out for self-preservation.  Minimalism fails the talkative one…

Okay, I admit I suffer from the ‘american’ disease…  I want only what I do not have.  I have enough, but there could be so much more out there.  So, how do I get this ‘more’?  And what exactly is this ‘more’?  I have no clue.  Remember, a sheltered life does not make it easy to know the questions to even ask.  However, no amount of buddist fantasy could change reality.

If you had a week of freetime… what would you write?  Would you code a program you’ve wanted to for years?  Would you try to code something that would make money? Academic benefits? Start a new form of digital life? Or would you waste the time watching porn?  Here’s what I do; I start the same program over and over again… re-writing the first 500 lines from scratch again and again… like I’ve got some mad variant of OCD trying to keep my eclipse workspace clean.  Then I’ll do something else for a bit… hell, I might even finish the other program.  Then I go back to my original work.  Do I tweak it? Nah… its a rewrite!  I can’t complete it.  Its like trying to go into a cold pool.  By the time I have the nerve to jump in, its time to go.

I have more code to write… but it must be perfect.  You see… there are these bees I wrote… and what I did should have worked.  It didn’t.  Everytime I think about what to do, I’m empty.  I read about it, I try a little sample program, but my bees still elude me.  I’ve changed languages… Java, Ruby, assembler… (and, by the way, I miss the 68000 instruction set… and my trusty LSI-11.)  There is something I’m missing.  I need just abit more time…


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